When you think about it, Christmas can get pretty weird.

There's the classic Christmas story of the Bible, and then there are all these extra entities that aren't in the book but which become somehow part of Christmas. And some of them are quite unsettling. There's the immortal flying reindeer with the bioluminescent nose. Iceland has the Yule Cat, a building-sized cat that stalks the streets and devours anyone who hasn't received new clothes for Christmas. And there's Krampus, the fanged, goat-horned being that looks more like it came from the cover of a metal album than a Christmas album. I am not making any of these up.

But I wondered what kinds of new Christmas entities might result if I gave a list of these and short descriptions to a neural net trained on internet text. New Christmas entities, perhaps, for our modern age?

I used GPT-3, giving it the examples of Krampus, Rudolph, The Yule Cat, and Meathook (one of the Yule Lads; not as terrifying as he sounds), and asking it to add its predictions to the list. Here are some of my favorites:

The Three Christmas Weasels Christmas Weasels aid Santa Claus by tracking everyone or everything. They have pointy ears, yellow fur, and tails and bodies half red and half green, and can open doors with their teeth.
Lights Out A yeti-like, bipedal creature, who lives in the Lapland and appears at the first sound of Christmas music. He grabs the musicians and strands them in the cold night air for eternity for trying to disrupt his sleep.
Hostile Choir The Hostile Choir is a group of 13 dark, gray-skinned men in robes of purple with glowing red eyes, whose appearance heralds death. They sing an ominous song alternating between "[X], [X], you're dead" and "Bum bum bum bum / You're dead".
Underwear Gnomes A non-anthropomorphic race of sly little thieves who steal underwear and replace it with awful versions made of leaves and bark.
Christmas Tree A tree of tremendous size, with a trunk as thick as an elephant's thigh, crowned with living grass that feels rough and tangles hair, that pops up suddenly in the bedroom or any other room where someone is staying in, to the consternation of all inside.
The Kallepene A chubby legless creature, covered in thick brown fur, with the uncanny ability to hide. Whenever the Kallepene is in hiding it has a pair of glowing blue eyes.
Chrishmak A gigantic tree spider that lives in the heart of the Yulelog. To have him perform circus tricks, one must tell him over and over, "Chrishmak is truly a wonderful entertainer," as he grows with each shout of praise.
The Blop A large, malevolent blob of oil with a frightening lighted face and tentacles that is capable of instantly liquefying soft tissue. The favorite toy of Santa, who uses it to punish any who misbehave. It forms in deep caverns around Christmas time, the warmth and the Yulelog aiding its growth.

It kept wanting to reimagine Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus, and gave Santa's other reindeer awesome superpowers. These aren't exactly NEW Christmas entities but I collected some as bonus content for AI Weirdness supporters. You can also become a free subscriber to get new AI Weirdness posts in your inbox!

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